How to ask for What you Want in the Bedroom
There is a right way and there is a wrong way to go about asking for more active, adventurous intimacy with your partner. There is also a critical period in time near the beginning of an intimate relationship where you and your partner "train" each other to be the type of lovers that work best for the both of you. But even if you have passed the 'critical period,' a healthy relationship will allow you to communicate your wants to your partner. Asking for what you want in the bedroom ultimately comes down to good communication.
But before you can even begin to express your wants to your partner you need to be completely comfortable with yourself; after all, sexuality starts from within. Once you are comfortable enough with yourself, there are 4 simple things you could do to help fulfill your fantasies in the bedroom.
1. Be truthful.Being truthful in your wants is the best policy. However, there is a thing as tactful truth. Explaining what you would like in a way that makes your partner feel loved and important is always a good idea. This means that you do not criticize your partner for not doing exactly what you want her to do. It is a known fact that egos are sensitive when it comes to sex so keep that in mind. After all, you do not want your partner to shut down.
2. Frame it as a Fantasy.If your partner is too sensitive for you to be completely forward about your wants, try framing what you want as a fantasy. This is a surefire way to reduce pressure and ease her into active listening. Most people want to please the person they love. There are many ways you could present your fantasy, such as: "I was thinking of you today doing (insert your fantasy here). I was so turned on that I started to sweat. I can't stop thinking about you..." This is a more subtle way to get the adventurous, active intimacy you crave.
3. Lead by example.Showing someone what you like is never a bad thing. If you are a bit shy and the more direct communicative routes do not work for you, lead her into your "den of desire" by guiding her into what you want her to do. For example, if you would like her to change positions more often help her move into one position from another-slowly and with eye contact so you remain connected.
4. Make a game out of it.If you are really having a hard time being direct about it, you could try making a game out of it. There are many games that can be purchased in novelty shops but you can also create your own. You could try a naked scavenger hunt. Plant several cards around the house with things you both desire, and when either of you find a card you have to do what the card says to your partner. This works like a charm for a couple reasons, first, it is a sure fire way to get active and adventurous and second, it is reciprocal and fair as you both have cards to find and follow. You might even get bonus points for being so creative and coming up with a game!
A proper guide, of course, would not be complete without illustrating common mistakes that absolutely should NOT be done when asking. The following should simply never be done but, unfortunately, they often are.
1. Giving orders.You should never bark orders. You are not a drill sergeant so don't act like one. Partners generally do not like to take orders with regard to sex and yelling at anyone is rude and disrespectful.
2. Turning yourself off emotionally.Never turn yourself 'off' emotionally from your partner. Lovemaking involves connecting with your partner emotionally and if you shut down and disconnect from your partner, you will never get what you want in bedroom. Women are, generally, emotional creatures and connecting is the most important aspect.
3. Criticizing.Criticizing never works; it makes people resentful and feel disconnected. Doing so will not only make her feel resentful of your criticism, but will also make her feel totally disconnected from you -- this will work against you on every level.
4. Making comparisons.Comparing her to other women, or your ex-girlfriend, is not the direction you want to go either. This will make a woman feel like she isn't good enough and she will surely shut down.
While there is nothing wrong with wanting or asking your partner to fulfill a fantasy, it doesn't necessarily mean you are going to get all that you ask for ; your partner simply may not be interested in or comfortable with some of your ideas. Asking for what you want from your partner is all about being comfortable, understanding and respectful. Your partner should be able to comfortably say 'no' just as you should be comfortably able to ask.
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